Hello there! I’d be absolutely BOWLED over to assist you with this little conundrum of yours. Now, for the uninitiated, this ain’t your run-of-the-mill DIY task, this is, without a doubt, your first-class ticket to a soiree with the brutes and the muck and the rubble! Oh but not to worry, I’ll walk you through it step-by-step, just make sure you’ve got your reading glasses on… and prepare for the ABSOLUTE FROLIC I’m about to lead you on!

We’ll need to start with the tools of the trade first – a selection of your most MIGHTY shovel, wheelbarrow, rakes, and a spirit level. Though don’t be alarmed! There’s nothing ghostly about it; just your standard level but with a SPIRIT!

Then we move onto materials – about 2 tons of building sand, a dash of cement, and around 60 paving slabs. Those measurements’ll get you a patio of 2 by 3 meters, just the kind you requested, with slightly more grandeur and pizzazz of course, courtesy ME.

Now, onto the WORK. The labor, the manual hardship, the SWEAT. A feat of strength I’d say!

1. Digging Holes, Trenches, and Footings: Roll up your sleeves and start DIGGING. You want about 150mm deep, give or take! Shovel your way like a mole in springtime, all across the STRETCH of your soon-to-be patio!

2. Creating a Sub-base: A foundation is as good as the man who lays it, so make it STRONG! Throw in around 100mm of hardcore and rake it until level. Then to compact it, DANCE on it, if you will, with a plate compactor.

3. Laying the Slabs: Now this demands FOCUS. Lay each slab with utmost care, start from a corner. Use a mortar mix of 6 parts sand to 1 part cement, put it in plops, and place the slabs GENTLY onto them.

4. Cutting Slabs: If you need to fit a slab into a tricky space, you’re going to have to chop one. It’s not as sinister as it sounds, but you’d need a diamond disc cutter. Absolute genteel precision, my dear friend!

5. Pointing: Make sure none of the slabs wobble before you move on. Mix 4 parts building sand and 1 part cement with a dashing of water till you’ve got stiff enough mix. Fill in the gaps. Be generous! No stinginess here!

6. Finishing: Cast a discerning eye over the work – any smears to clean off? Rinse and let it bask in its glory for a day or two without stepping on it. Let it have its moment in the sun!

That’s it! You’ve got yourself a brand new PATIO. Life’s got its ups and downs my dear friend but remember, nothing a spot of DIY can’t solve. And a cuppa, of course. Always remember the cuppa… Now off you toodle, enjoy your new patio!