As recently as this morning I was wishing that I could shoot my brains out because I still obsess over how I disgraced myself in public nearly one year ago, and months earlier when I told a couple of friends about this they did basically absolutely nothing to help. Dwelling on their interactions has only made me want to stay away from them, so I haven’t talked to anybody on Discord in almost one month. I’m lonely, but I feel like if I try reinteracting with them, they’ll only disappoint me again, so it’s better to stay alone.
There are still a few things that prevent me from taking my life: 1) I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty, 2) I have enough reasonability to recognize that I’ll feel less suicidal later, 3) my medications help me somewhat, and 4) I have a feeling that even if I really tried to kill myself I’d only fuck up again, like the bullet would only incapacitate me mentally without killing me. Usually when I try something for the first time, something goes wrong, so that would be pretty typical.
My standard of living isn’t even particularly awful. It’s okay, but the trade‐off is that I have to live with a severe depression that stays with me like cancer.
There’s not really much I can say to help you but personally I found this video helpful for times when I have the hot flush of embarassment for something I did a long time ago: toxic shame: what it is and how to heal from it
Comrade, I think you could really benefit from therapy. Many of the things you are saying are reminiscent of similar thoughts and feelings I’ve had a habit of getting stuck in throughout my entire life. It’s a numbers game to find a good therapist without even approaching the problem of insurance and access to therapy, but the single most effective thing I’ve done.
Being able to talk through the struggles and contradictions in your mind is one of the first steps to reprogramming how you think about yourself. Identifying the source of negative ruminations is tough to effectively do on your own. Cognitive behavioral therapy is good, but you know what’s even better? Dialectical behavioral therapy. ;)
If you don’t have access to traditional therapy, finding a therapy group/community to join may be an effective and free alternative, such as Al-Anon. You sound like you feel alienated from those around you, but also from yourself. Community is part of the answer to this. It’s tough to open yourself back up, but it’s worth it. Take that risk to reach back out to people, reprogram your mind to treat yourself with love and kindness, and you will someday look back and be thankful toward yourself for those efforts. Would you be comfortable treating others in your life the way you abuse yourself within your own mind? I suspect not. You deserve love from external sources, but also yourself.
As an aside, even if you feel like your posts in capitalisminddecay are inconsequential, I can tell you they have been one of the most informative and fascinating parts of my experience on Lemmygrad. Keep up the good work. As hard as it can be in those moments, I find it comforting to know that at my lowest points the only way to go is up. Life will improve. It’s a journey filled with challenges and while each person has their own destination, travelling with company, with a community you build around you, makes that journey much more enjoyable.
I think you are awesome here. I’m sorry to hear that you experience that level of depression.
I remember making a resolve to do what I see is right even if I can’t be happy, because then I’d be acting in opposition to everything that I hate. I work with what I understand to be good to nourish it in this world. I don’t seek to be good myself, but just do what is necessary to produce good in this world for what I am capable of. If others call me good I’m flattered, but don’t take it personally. If others oppose me for being a communist I ask them what I am doing wrong. They never respond in anything of substance so I disregard them. I find myself frustrated by the lack of power that the communist parties have where I live.
I suggest you experience a dialectal relationship with people outside online spaces for a bit and just focus on finding what good there is around you. Also know that everyone socially highlights the beautiful and hides the ugly. The ugly that is hidden in shame is not something that you experience yourself alone, but people don’t reflect that when performing their best selves online. If you look for it you can find it. Yes therapy and healing from toxic shame is good.
I can tell you are someone that seeks to do good in this world, and that choice alone makes you different than most other people. (may I even say you are better than most?) If you are burdened by the weight of the world, understand it is not your burden alone to carry. Do what you are capable of for the world, but also don’t forget to nourish your emotional well being with friendship. I’m sorry I can’t do much more.
I’m really bad with expressing positivity, but since in the post you linked you mentioned that your posts don’t get much traction, I just want to explicitly state here that I really like your posts.
Hopefully things get more manageable for you, even if I have nothing tangible to offer here. Good luck!
As recently as this morning I was wishing that I could shoot my brains out because I still obsess over how I disgraced myself in public nearly one year ago, and months earlier when I told a couple of friends about this they did basically absolutely nothing to help. Dwelling on their interactions has only made me want to stay away from them, so I haven’t talked to anybody on Discord in almost one month. I’m lonely, but I feel like if I try reinteracting with them, they’ll only disappoint me again, so it’s better to stay alone.
There are still a few things that prevent me from taking my life: 1) I don’t want my stepdad to feel guilty, 2) I have enough reasonability to recognize that I’ll feel less suicidal later, 3) my medications help me somewhat, and 4) I have a feeling that even if I really tried to kill myself I’d only fuck up again, like the bullet would only incapacitate me mentally without killing me. Usually when I try something for the first time, something goes wrong, so that would be pretty typical.
My standard of living isn’t even particularly awful. It’s okay, but the trade‐off is that I have to live with a severe depression that stays with me like cancer.
Comrade, if you go I will miss you.
There’s not really much I can say to help you but personally I found this video helpful for times when I have the hot flush of embarassment for something I did a long time ago: toxic shame: what it is and how to heal from it
Comrade, I think you could really benefit from therapy. Many of the things you are saying are reminiscent of similar thoughts and feelings I’ve had a habit of getting stuck in throughout my entire life. It’s a numbers game to find a good therapist without even approaching the problem of insurance and access to therapy, but the single most effective thing I’ve done.
Being able to talk through the struggles and contradictions in your mind is one of the first steps to reprogramming how you think about yourself. Identifying the source of negative ruminations is tough to effectively do on your own. Cognitive behavioral therapy is good, but you know what’s even better? Dialectical behavioral therapy. ;)
If you don’t have access to traditional therapy, finding a therapy group/community to join may be an effective and free alternative, such as Al-Anon. You sound like you feel alienated from those around you, but also from yourself. Community is part of the answer to this. It’s tough to open yourself back up, but it’s worth it. Take that risk to reach back out to people, reprogram your mind to treat yourself with love and kindness, and you will someday look back and be thankful toward yourself for those efforts. Would you be comfortable treating others in your life the way you abuse yourself within your own mind? I suspect not. You deserve love from external sources, but also yourself.
As an aside, even if you feel like your posts in capitalisminddecay are inconsequential, I can tell you they have been one of the most informative and fascinating parts of my experience on Lemmygrad. Keep up the good work. As hard as it can be in those moments, I find it comforting to know that at my lowest points the only way to go is up. Life will improve. It’s a journey filled with challenges and while each person has their own destination, travelling with company, with a community you build around you, makes that journey much more enjoyable.
I think you are awesome here. I’m sorry to hear that you experience that level of depression.
I remember making a resolve to do what I see is right even if I can’t be happy, because then I’d be acting in opposition to everything that I hate. I work with what I understand to be good to nourish it in this world. I don’t seek to be good myself, but just do what is necessary to produce good in this world for what I am capable of. If others call me good I’m flattered, but don’t take it personally. If others oppose me for being a communist I ask them what I am doing wrong. They never respond in anything of substance so I disregard them. I find myself frustrated by the lack of power that the communist parties have where I live.
I suggest you experience a dialectal relationship with people outside online spaces for a bit and just focus on finding what good there is around you. Also know that everyone socially highlights the beautiful and hides the ugly. The ugly that is hidden in shame is not something that you experience yourself alone, but people don’t reflect that when performing their best selves online. If you look for it you can find it. Yes therapy and healing from toxic shame is good.
I can tell you are someone that seeks to do good in this world, and that choice alone makes you different than most other people. (may I even say you are better than most?) If you are burdened by the weight of the world, understand it is not your burden alone to carry. Do what you are capable of for the world, but also don’t forget to nourish your emotional well being with friendship. I’m sorry I can’t do much more.
Getting good therapy helps if possible.
I’m really bad with expressing positivity, but since in the post you linked you mentioned that your posts don’t get much traction, I just want to explicitly state here that I really like your posts.
Hopefully things get more manageable for you, even if I have nothing tangible to offer here. Good luck!